December 5, 2016

Blog VII "The Most Wonderful time of the year...right?"

Ah the holidays… The smell of pine cones, adult snuggies, holiday parties and the universal permission to indulge in yummy delicacies with your family and loved ones. The holiday season can be a very nostalgic time of many “wonderful” things, but it is also (perhaps) the one time of year that you experience a time warp back to whatever age you were when you left your family of origin.

When you go home for the holiday’s… regardless of who you are today, it is not uncommon for family members to subconsciously or consciously polarize you into forever being; “the diplomat”, “the cry baby”, “the eccentric one” or the “naive one” forgetting one essential factor about your former misgivings: *You grew up….* Family dynamics can be somewhat paradoxical; even though it may be unintentional, when we return back home somehow we may continue to “play out roles” that were designated to us by birth order or just plain classical conditioning that may drive us up a wall. Whatever the case may be, if it is your personal goal to enjoy the “most wonderful time of the year” without getting morphed back to age 10, you can still enjoy a harmonious time with family and friends by simply remembering 3 very simple rules.

Rule number 1… Be cognizant of your personal triggers. Something as simple as a nickname can be a common culprit. At age 24, I remember telling my dad that I no longer wanted to be called his “fat faced baby…” I can recall a time when that name was attributed to feeling special in early childhood but I became annoyed with it by late adolescence. Nicknames can remind us of the parts of our pre developed selves that we may not be fond of, even though that is how others may want to “fondly remember us”. Nick names don’t have to be deemed as always malicious, they can sometimes be a part of our loved ones nostalgia when we come around. If that is a personal trigger for you, don’t be quick to get angry, just realize that you can share with your loved one in a loving manner that you “grew out of that one.” Being aware of your triggers can help you to slow down your reaction time to escalating in to anger or frustration.

Rule number 2… Set appropriate boundaries when you deem it necessary. There is something special about going home to your family of origin when your “all grown up” with a family of your own. Returning back to the source that gave you a start in life and then sharing what you have created in a family of your own can be surreal. Sometimes inappropriate jokes from yesteryear that may have been welcomed in the past may feel like personal jabs in the presence of your now growing family or new significant other. Maybe you were the “kid sister” that was “ok” with certain jokes in the past, but now you feel that the jesting needs to be buried like an old pair of faded stone washed jeans that will never return to their former glory. Boundaries are the personal laws that govern our lives and keep us safe. Know your limits and find an appropriate way to redefine them with your family. You have to find the appropriate time to share them though (in the heat of an argument is never a good time). Know that it is ok to simply say:
“That’s not o.k.”

Rule number 3… Accept your self. The Shakespearean quote: “To thine own self be true…” Is a message for the ages… Ironically, in the play “Hamlet “, this phrase was coined when Polonius gave this last piece of advice to his son Laertes who was in a hurry to catch a boat to Paris away from his father’s long winded speeches. Like Laertes, we sometimes attempt to avoid family gatherings because of our own anxieties… We don’t want to engage in the conversation of why we may not have married yet, or accomplished a goal that may still be deferred. There is nothing new under the sun! Shakespeare said it best and it applies for you and me today. Be true to who you are! Accept your plight in life whatever it may be and continue to reach for your personal best. On your road to becoming, if you fully accept who you are, it will take the pressure off you to feel that you have to do a “song & dance” when you're with your family for the holiday’s.

Most importantly… Have fun! The winter holiday’s come around once every year. Enjoy yourself and know that everyone has some level of family dysfunction. I’ll never forget the moment I was preparing to bring my significant other home to meet my family for the first time. As a clinician, I was strongly tempted to write out a clear cut genogram with small identifiers for each family member so that he was aware of what he might encounter at the dinner table. My guy had to remind me that he could readily discern personalities on his own and that although my assistance was valued it wasn’t necessary. I was also reminded that we are all an evolving ‘work in progress’ and that placing identifiers on each family member would be the equivalent of me presenting them in a role that they may have grown out of. Embrace your family this holiday season, the one you have come from and the one that you have created and make it the “most wonderful time of the year”.

“In good health!”

~Fayola